The House I Built

abandonedhs5

As I walk down the lane, it’s dark,
too dark even to be noticeable.
There is one light that I see, from the far end, which tells me
that I am travelling on the true path, the difficult path.
And as I listen to the song,
I remember the dream;
I remember the house
The house I built….

The house that I went to see…
It called me.
It called me home.
As I saw it from a distance,
waves of the ocean of the past hit me, hit me on the face, right between my eyes,
and forbid me, not to do it.
But I couldn’t,
I couldn’t repel the sentiment
to feel it once again.
Because I lived in that house,
I built it
Cared for it
Promised I would be with it forever,
but I left it, and for two years, lived out in the cold.
And as I approached, it saw me,
and it was as if it smiled at me.
It forgave me for what I had done.
Its outer walls were white, as white as tulips,
as if everything was alright.
But in the embrace of reconciliation,
I could see its inside, the drapes down,
it’s innermost side, was exactly how I left it.
I reached out to the door,
which nobody except me could open,
because it demanded a special force, a will.
I entered, set the table and dined with the house,
The house I built.

And suddenly I see a hollow space, one that I hadn’t seen before.
And I decide to go in,
little by little, as I fill the hollowness behind me.
I realize, that I am darkening the place as I cross it,
I am destroying it even more,
I am deepening the pit as I walk down the unknown.
I know, that bringing my demon out, will end the darkness forever,
but it will, at the same time make a gaping hole in the foundations of the house,
The house I built.

But I had to do it, because half the damage had already been done.
And then when it exploded, I revealed the truth.
The truth comes, with a steep price,
and with a heavy heart, I paid the price.
___________________________________________________________

Then when I was just about to leave,
I saw a girl standing right behind me.
Her dark eyes, oozing pain, glared at me.
The sense of belonging was overwhelming.
But I understood one thing,
after a lot of contemplating,
that she was stuck here,
in this very house,
The house I built.

And it was on me, her salvation,
it was her life, against mine.
I am just a small but vivacious being, a mere human,
and I chose me, over my soul.
Amidst my heart yelling at me, to take her with me wherever I was going,
soothing my restlessness, that she will follow whatever path I was taking,
but instead I ran to the door,
the door which only I could open.
Or close.
And she was behind, her eyes pleaded for redemption,
redemption from this pain.
I hugged her, held her close to my chest,
her pacing heart, rubbed against mine,
perhaps for the last time.
Because it was time to demolish the house,
The house I built.

And as my tears rolled down, I kissed her, on her left cheek.
It was a goodbye.
I closed the door, which only I could open.
She stood there numb,
on the other side,
inside of a parched nest.
I took one last glance at her, through the drapes,
And I took one last look at the house
The house I built.

And then I turned around, and started running.
Not once looking back, I paced.
I ran, passing so many the trees and memories behind,
wiping the tears of reminiscence away,
yelling at the gardens, roses, the benches, the lunches,
the conversations, the fights, the gifts…
sniveling at what I had just done,
trying to fathom what had just happened to me.
I ran until I couldn’t see the house anymore.
The house I will never see again..
The house that I nurtured..
The house I built..
The house I built.

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